This is the post that was on my personal blog a year ago today. In 2009 we had an early miscarriage, and every year in April, on the baby’s due date, I write a short note to him or her. As the years go by I can talk about it easier, but that first April was so hard. I never thought I would have a day where I didn’t feel sad and guilty about the miscarriage. Now I can think rationally and know that everything in life happens for a reason and no one was to blame. You will find more about my miscarriage on this blog in the future, as I think it is an important topic to talk about for all mothers. For now, here is a letter to my baby, written on what would have been his or her third birthday.
Today, April 3rd, is the day I choose to remember and celebrate your life. Although you were
lost early in pregnancy, April 3rd is the due date we were given for your birth. Sure, you
probably wouldn’t have been born right on April 3rd (I tend to go about a week over due!) but it
is the day we have chosen to be your day.
The first year, on your due date, was a hard day for me, a day I wanted to stay in bed and cry all
day. But instead we spent the nice spring day playing together outside as a family. We planted a
rhododendron bush (the only thing available to plant so early in the season) in your memory and
the girls helped. As the years go on the days get easier, and now I celebrate the day by
changing my Facebook profile picture, mentioning you in passing conversation and writing in
Today you would be three years old. No longer a baby – heading into the preschool years and
leaving behind the chubby, toddling days of toddlerhood. What would your developments be at
age three? Would you be talking a lot? Showing interest in numbers and letters? Would you be a
lover of books, like Dakota or a lover of mess, like Georgia? Would you coat yourself in paint or
glue or other sensory items, or would you hate the feel of sticky and messy on your fingers?
Would you be a climber? A runner? A cuddler? Would you be sensitive and quiet or loud and out
going? Would you have a favorite tv show or character? Would you love the outdoors? I often
wonder what type of child you would be.
To me, you are still a baby. I see you in my mind as a small infant, a newborn. It’s hard to picture
you as a growing child. Are you a boy or a girl? Would you have brown hair and brown eyes like
Dakota, or blonde hair and blue eyes like Georgia? Would you have curls? Would you be closer to
Momma or Dadda, or would you prefer one of your sisters or grandparents? Would you have
breastfed easily or given me a hard time like Turner? Would you have a special blanket or suck
I strongly believe that everything in life happens for a reason. There was a reason that God
couldn’t allow you to be born. Were you unwell in some way? Were you not developing
properly? Or did God know my feelings of overwhelm and stress at having two young children
so close in age? Did He know that Georgia would be such an active toddler, leaving no energy to care for a newborn? Did He think the timing was not right or we weren’t ready? Did He know of the depression that would come soon after we lost you and hold on to me for months (and even years) or was that depression a result of losing you? I know we will never know the reasons, but I am accepting that it was God’s decision and He wouldn’t have taken you away if He didn’t have to.
I often wonder about the after life and what has become of you. Where are you now that you are
not with us? Are you in Heaven with God and all of the grandparents we have lost? Are they
watching over you and loving you in Heaven until your father and I get there? Or is there a such
thing as being reborn? Is part of you living now in Turner, or is he really you being given the
chance to come to us at a different time? Are you now living with us and loving us as our
youngest without us even knowing? Or did you kiss and bless Turner before sending him to
us? Have you been reborn to another family, another mother that needed a precious angel? Or
are you watching over us from Heaven, where I think you are?
And how would our lives be different if you had of been born three years ago? Right now would
I be planning for a princess tea party or a character themed party? Would we have had three
girls, or a son? Would we have gone on to have Turner or stopped with you? I have always dreamed of having four children. Although the world sees us as a family with three children, in my heart I am a mother of four. I have been pregnant four times, I have carried four babies in my womb and I have loved four children.
So to you, Dear Baby, on what would be your third birthday, I send you love and kisses and lots
of birthday hugs. I will celebrate you in my heart and pray for you each night. Know that you are
with me always, you are missed and you are loved.
Reading back, this letter is full of questions – questions we will never have the answers to. But I still pray for our baby every night, as I do my other children, and I think of him or her often.
Have you ever suffered a tragic loss? If you are willing to share you can add your story in the comment section below, or send me a private message.